Oops I Did It Again ~ Tequila – Wild Child.

Tequila – Wild Child.

Each of us has that ONE sweet friend you adore the most. Such an angel - with that soft heart you just want to give a hug when you see her. Well I do and I'm lucky enough to have her as mine!

Me and Dianne is about the same age - her being married for 4 years with 2 kids - we all struggle with weight issues and as soon as baby nr 2 appeared she set off on her quest to lose weight - and so after a year she lost 28kg and she felt amazing! We were so happy for her and felt that she needed a makeover! New hairstyle. And a few new outfits soothed her soul and with the upcoming of our yearly festival she couldn't wait showing of her inner goddess.

Dianne is quiet and shy - never the party animal... Always taking care of others!

And so the festival was on and we all were off to see the 19:00 show - Snotcop and Leanie -Mae was entertaining us for the night!

Dianne looked stunning and so happy. In the corner of the hall was a bar and we all set off for some refreshments. The men were very spontaneous as always - and even Dianne took a few shots herself!

And the later it got, the buzzier Dianne became! I thing from all her dieting she forgot to keep in mind that she didn't have anything to eat and all the alcohol rushed to her head. But we didn't mind because it was her time to shine!!

It was hard word keeping up with her going in and out like a jumping ball - she was all miss social - rambling without silence to anyone and everyone. Even her husband couldn't keep up.

My eyes searching for her outside in the crowd and I walked over to her - but there's no stopping miss social tonight!! O no. She went off like the wind towing me in one hand giggling to herself and stopped at n table packed with Tequila - and she took a glass in each hand jolting both down in one stroke! Damn she's pasted. She took a cigarette from a random guy standing face to face - her keeping him in eye while smoking it.

Shocked - I turned my head I saw her brother in law eyeing her with total fury - marching towards us!

He pulled her arm towards him - snatched the cigarette from her mouth and threw it on the ground accusing Dianne of having an affair with this total stranger??!!!

I was still doing the gawking WTF thing - while he turned around to find Dianne's husband to tell him of her 'affair', I was still running to keep up into the hall trying to fix this 'misunderstanding' which for me was totally hilariously funny!! We almost reached the dancing crowd. Towards Dianne’s husband when suddenly Dianne aka GI Jane - came flying through the AIR ALL raging - landing right onto Jeff's (brother in law) back!!!! Shocked and somewhat amazed at Dianne’s new found talent - she went all cowgirl on him pulling his shirt riding him like a cowboy!!!! JEe-Haw! She screamed madly pulling Jeff’s shirt firmly into grip while with the other hand fisting him in his ribs for trying to ruin her marriage with his misinterpretation of what happened outside!! Jeff all wild eyed screaming for help tripped and fell to the ground between the crowd. I ran closer to make sure I was seeing straight and found them still on the ground with Dianne looking like a mad cow - smudging his face into the ground while he's screaming for air. We were banned from the show. While we drove back home in silence - Dianne all ashamed - too drunk to stay awake passed out in the back seat drooling all over me. Jeff all muddy faced and torn shirt and broken nose, sitting in the passenger seat looking worn out. Dianne’s husband still trying to make sense of his sweet wife’s new found talents. And me... Giggling in the back... It was a night to remember.

So guys, just remain calm and first ask a girl what she is doing.

Mrs. Oops out.

Oops I did It Again ~ Porcupine hunting with the boys...

My name is Hank and I would like to share one of our most embarrassing moments with you!

As most farmers know, Porcupines causes massive damage to crops and waterlines all over farmlands.

By pure luck we stumbled on loads of porcupine holes in one of our lands and right then and there I phoned up all our mates - its porcupine hunting time baby!!!

Everything set, the hunting’s ON - and the most important of all - stopping by the store picking up loads of beer - in case of 'dehydration' that might set in!

We got together catching up on small talk and drinking beer in the sun. All very chirpy and swooped up for hunting some jumped on their 4 wheelers and others on the pickup.

Game's on boys!

First step in hunting porcupines is to fill up all the holes with water. Waiting eagerly for any sign of porcupines we took on one hole at a time. With no luck, all holes was clear. And bored with ourselves the beer drinking took over and soon we entertained ourselves shooting foolishly at anything that might look like huntable! All wild and miserable drunk we decided that it was time to head for home.

My brother Ben, who was as drunk as a pirate, couldn't find the handle for the door to open so he chose the challenge of rolling over on the back of the pickup - snoring before his face hit the deck!

I also not to chubby, closed my one eye with my hand seeing 3 front doors, chose the middle door as the right one and shifted in behind old 'crinkles' steering wheel. Revving the pickup I floored away with 'crinkles', with my bro in 'lala-land' down the crappy dirt road.

I was still aiming with my finger closing one eye to focus for some music, when it struck me - up ahead in the road is a ditch as huge as a crater and I swung my head up to see I was driving at a speed of about 50km/h with every one tailing at my back and oh FUCK it was too late! My head hit the steering wheal and the pickup jabbed and swirled all over the road, with me hitting the brakes!

Suddenly remembering Ben laying on the back I looked back seeing him all ass over head over arms over head ending up on his Butt-bone! We came to a full stop almost in the bush.

Ben jumping up from the back screaming, “FUCK you Hank!! You shitty driving asshole!! You scared me shitless you asswipe!” “Now I have to take a freaking crap!” And of he went with speed, everything flying through the air - right shoe - left shoe flying - jeans flying - all white ass running for the bush.

We all laughed so hard I almost pissed myself!!

Ben came walking back still swearing and still motherless drunk falling into the passenger’s seat.

We all got back into gear and back on the road heading for home!

Half way home, a dead awful smell crept up into my nostrils so bad I had to swing my head out of the window driving like Ace Ventura to keep my eyes from tearing up!

I looked over to Ben still mad sitting with his arms tightly folded over his chest and I asked “Did you shit yourself?”

Bed sneered back “No asshole!”

I asked “Then what is that fucking shitty smell in the pickup Ben??'

And he answered with a sarcastic grin “Because of your shitless driving skills, I almost shitted myself. I had to take a freaking crap in the freaking bush - with no fucking toilet paper. Hello! I had to wipe my ass with my favorite undies asshole!” - reaching for his right pocket he swung his stinky undies under my nose. Saying “And I'm not planning on throwing them away”.

It gave a whole new meaning to the saying “Shit Happens”

Hank out.

Oops I Did It Again ~ Kinky goes skanky...

Kinky goes skanky...

My boyfriend and I was going on to 3 years together. My thought of changing my game plan into something a little kinky for our 3 year anniversary would be just what the doctor ordered. Watch out sisters! Miss goody - two -shoes is going kinky!!!

Reading every tip in the book from lace underwear to whispering sexy thoughts in his ears I'm going for it.

As usual we went out dancing with friends. “Damn,” he said “you smell amazing!" Feeling very chuffed with myself for my good choice in perfume, I totally flaunt it. All the girls decided on going to freshen up while the boys waited on us at the table. Returning to the table there it was. Shooters... And lots of it. I'm not a huge fan of alcohol, but feeling bit of a wild cat side - all is well - shooting 3 rounds down. What the hell! It’s for fun right! Usually I'm more of a listen and smile type of gal, but believe you me....Mrs. me - soon became - Misses chatterbox - which was totally out of character for me. Even forgetting to flutter my eyelids every now and then. Feeling a bit whooshi, we went onto the dance floor and I softly whispered naughty things into his ear. Just to kick start things really! His badass smile said it all and we slowly walked back to the table. Making him all hot and bothered, I decided to give my game plan a little boost. As we were sitting behind the table, without anyone noticing I slowly dropped my left hand over to his right thigh underneath the table. I was working my way all the way top the top…when my hand was jolted away with a sudden movement and a shriek followed. “What the hell are you doing?!” A female voice ranged out. I looked to my left only to see a very shocked and embarrassed friend of our sister all bulging eyed with her left eye twitching, and look down at my hand on her thigh. And my boyfriend? Was having some sort of seizure, laughing his ass off at me and the now very pissed off girl.

Yep, that’s my life, a lesson well learned, and even after all these years this girl still gives me the bulging eye thing and keep a very close eye on me.

Mrs. Oops Out.

Oops I did it Again ~ The Fine Art of Rugby...

The Fine Art of Rugby...

Rugby is loved by most - played only by the best and understood by the rest. For men it’s like breathing in a sense of a word. Even women are loyal supporters of this sport. Then there's me... Love the crowd and the adrenalin about rugby - not so up to date on rules and regulations. But damn - nothing like a buffed up hunk that has heart for his sport! I truly enjoy the view ;) Whether its rugby on TV or town rugby team playing.. We are there! Husbands, wife’s, kids everyone supporting our town.

The finals was in town and it was in the middle of winter. Nothing warms up cold weather like 'old brown sherry' does. It was chilly outside. But strangely enough after that glass of OBS I didn't feel the cold at all!! We lost with one point that night but we partied as if they won! Next morning it felt as if I played the game! Even my joints ache in pain! All the men decided to go hunting and were out whole day. At sundown hubby called wanting me to come and join the barbeque - but I was really not in the mood for another late night - so hubby suggested I should go fetch him so he can go home as well. Still on my way to the game farm hubby phones saying there is someone that wants to speak to me. One of his friends is a very loudish and a party animal kind of guy and he doesn’t take no for an answer. Thinking it was him, he asked me over the phone... "Please come and BBQ with us." And before I can help myself I answered, "Please don't make us stay tonight. My liver is singing “are you still thinking of me..?” My pancreas is knocking on a door I can't find and I'm seriously having a PMS - moment here. I feel crappy and my stomach is in knots - please let me go home please!?............. Usually he will laugh and give the phone back. But there was a stressing deadly quiet on the other side. Then a man said '”Do you know who you are talking to jess?? Its preacher Henry speaking jess..... I almost rolled the car. And dropped the phone and wished I could be one of those normal people that - when someone asked how you are just answer a normal answer like “I'm fine thank you!” Since then whenever Preacher Henry phones he immediately says “Hi jess its Preacher Henry speaking - how are you??' ......

My lessons in life just never seem to stop.

Mrs. Oops out

Oops I did it Again ~ Self Tan oopsi

Magazines and television do create that perfect illusion of beauty and perfection when it comes to women!

I am one of those women - total sucker for punishment.

Going onto 30 - my bucket list for my day consist of water, coffee, and BIOPLUS... Oh yes - perky lip-gloss and hair wax will round up my list somewhere ;) Between work - kids - household and hubby - a normal 24 hour day seems way too short and somewhere along - a 6hour night sleep turns into 2 hours...

All is well after month’s turns into years and then strange things start to happen... Creepy stuff... Like finding your car keys in the fridge... Sitting at a women’s event - and after a half an hour of festivities suddenly remembering that my sister in law was supposed to be there with me - AND I FORGOT!! Never say die. I made a stop at our local GP and our GP changed my daily bucket list just n tat' by saying no coffee, big no-no for my life saver - BIOPLUS and some mild sleeping pills just to get me back into routine - EEZY PEEZY.... Great!

Its 2 weeks before Christmas - with specials everywhere , I thought it best to buy a few things from Avon - a few creams - perfumes and u get the self-tan lotion for Free!!

Very excited - I opened the package - arranged it neatly next to each other! Hubby was working late and round about 22:00pm it hit me that I had to start my pills the GP gave me! Reading the first line on the bottle - drink 1 at night - I started with my first sleeping pill. I sat and watched TV for a while. Strangely at 1 o clock... Still not tired... Decided to take a bath... Getting up a bit fast I felt a bit whoosi... Pulled my pj's near... Looking up... Remembering my luxury creams - grabbed the golden body cream and went off to the bathroom. Shaved and pampered I felt on cloud 9 - grabbed my body cream - starting at my toes generously rubbing it in, even my cuticles! Smelling divine, I felt tired and went straight to bed.

My screaming bladder woke me up at about 5am and made my way to the bathroom with great effort - feeling crappy - sat on the toilet - dreamily opening my left eye. - looking down at my feet... MUD on my feet!! O holy hell - I jolted up! With one sway I pulled up my pj’s - pulling up my foot with one hand - It’s full of mud - but it doesn't smell like mud!! Feeling slightly flabbergasted I wondered if I was sleepwalking... No can't be the sleeping pill. Viewing myself puzzled in the bathroom mirror. I felt an anxiety attack coming along. My hands are the same as well!!

Shit!!

I have a 'Rudolf - brown piggish' nose paint of some sort on my face. Grabbing the soap a freakishly rubbed on my hands and face - with no luck getting any of that color off at all!!

Oh Fuck!! ..there in the window is the gold SELF TAN cream I used for body cream!!

Ggpfhhh - I couldn't breathe!! Even my arse has orange -crappy -brown - 5 fingers with palm marks - on each side of my ASS!!! Oh My God.. I tried bathing 5 times...tried to phone a friend... Only to hear the phone drop to the ground on other side... With them laughing their butts off!!

11 days later... My husband could for the first time come into the bathroom... And look me sincerely in the eye - without having tears in his eyes... it wasn't tears of joy... I can assure you!! I was a ashamedly freaking hilarious sight.

What did I learn? Never do drugs and body products together, major no-no.

Mrs. Oops out