Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Oops I did It Again ~ Porcupine hunting with the boys...


My name is Hank and I would like to share one of our most embarrassing moments with you!

As most farmers know, Porcupines causes massive damage to crops and waterlines all over farmlands.

By pure luck we stumbled on loads of porcupine holes in one of our lands and right then and there I phoned up all our mates - its porcupine hunting time baby!!!

Everything set, the hunting’s ON - and the most important of all - stopping by the store picking up loads of beer - in case of 'dehydration' that might set in!

We got together catching up on small talk and drinking beer in the sun. All very chirpy and swooped up for hunting some jumped on their 4 wheelers and others on the pickup.

Game's on boys!

First step in hunting porcupines is to fill up all the holes with water. Waiting eagerly for any sign of porcupines we took on one hole at a time. With no luck, all holes was clear. And bored with ourselves the beer drinking took over and soon we entertained ourselves shooting foolishly at anything that might look like huntable! All wild and miserable drunk we decided that it was time to head for home.

My brother Ben, who was as drunk as a pirate, couldn't find the handle for the door to open so he chose the challenge of rolling over on the back of the pickup - snoring before his face hit the deck!

I also not to chubby, closed my one eye with my hand seeing 3 front doors, chose the middle door as the right one and shifted in behind old 'crinkles' steering wheel. Revving the pickup I floored away with 'crinkles', with my bro in 'lala-land' down the crappy dirt road.

I was still aiming with my finger closing one eye to focus for some music, when it struck me - up ahead in the road is a ditch as huge as a crater and I swung my head up to see I was driving at a speed of about 50km/h with every one tailing at my back and oh FUCK it was too late! My head hit the steering wheal and the pickup jabbed and swirled all over the road, with me hitting the brakes!

Suddenly remembering Ben laying on the back I looked back seeing him all ass over head over arms over head ending up on his Butt-bone! We came to a full stop almost in the bush.

Ben jumping up from the back screaming, “FUCK you Hank!! You shitty driving asshole!! You scared me shitless you asswipe!” “Now I have to take a freaking crap!” And of he went with speed, everything flying through the air - right shoe - left shoe flying - jeans flying - all white ass running for the bush.

We all laughed so hard I almost pissed myself!!

Ben came walking back still swearing and still motherless drunk falling into the passenger’s seat.

We all got back into gear and back on the road heading for home!

Half way home, a dead awful smell crept up into my nostrils so bad I had to swing my head out of the window driving like Ace Ventura to keep my eyes from tearing up!

I looked over to Ben still mad sitting with his arms tightly folded over his chest and I asked “Did you shit yourself?”

Bed sneered back “No asshole!”

I asked “Then what is that fucking shitty smell in the pickup Ben??'

And he answered with a sarcastic grin “Because of your shitless driving skills, I almost shitted myself. I had to take a freaking crap in the freaking bush - with no fucking toilet paper. Hello! I had to wipe my ass with my favorite undies asshole!” - reaching for his right pocket he swung his stinky undies under my nose. Saying “And I'm not planning on throwing them away”.

It gave a whole new meaning to the saying “Shit Happens”

Hank out.

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